For a Family Member or Friend
How do you help someone who is dealing with sexual, domestic, or dating violence, stalking or human trafficking?
What can you say or do to help?
First, thank you for caring enough to learn more about supporting your loved one. It may feel overwhelming to know what to say or how to respond. Here are a few key ways you can show up with care:
Believe them
One of the most powerful things you can do is to believe what they’re telling you. Survivors often fear being doubted or blamed. A simple statement like “I believe you” or “I’m so sorry this happened to you” can be the beginning of healing.
Listen without judgment
Let them talk at their own pace. Don’t ask for details unless they offer them. Don’t question why they stayed, what they wore, or whether they could have prevented it. Those kinds of questions can cause more harm.
Respect their choices
Support their choices even if they’re not the choices you would make. Whether they want to stay silent, speak out, leave, stay, report, or not report, it’s their life and their healing. Empower them; don’t direct them.
Respect their privacy
Keep their confidence. Unless someone’s life is in immediate danger, don’t share their story with others. Trust is fragile, especially after trauma. (If the person is a minor, you are required to report assault and abuse. If a minor discloses abuse to you, be up front with them about what you need to do and assure them you will be there to support them throughout the reporting process.)
Offer support, not solutions
It’s okay not to have the perfect advice. What they often need most is your steady presence. You can say, “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here for you.”
Know your limits and when to bring in help
You don’t have to do it alone. Connecting your loved one to trained advocates can make a big difference. And if you’re unsure how to help, you can always contact us for guidance.
Resources
Every victim’s reaction to an assault is different; however, they may find it helpful to learn more about sexual, domestic, or dating violence, stalking or human trafficking, and some common reactions victims experience during and after the abuse or assault. You can direct them to our website to learn more about these topics. You can also provide them with our information.
At the DOVES Program, advocates are available by phone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at 866-95-DOVES, or by text at 515-599-6620. You are also welcome to call if you need support and guidance. We have resources and information that may help you and the victim.
Take care of yourself
Listening to someone recount a violent act can cause similar symptoms of fear, dismay, anger, etc, in the listener. It’s important to respect your boundaries and care for yourself. You won’t do your loved one any good if you’re a nervous wreck. You won’t be able to give them the calm, loving support and guidance they may need. It’s better to give yourself a break and acknowledge your emotions.
If you are feeling as victimized as your loved one, reach out for help for yourself. Of course, you want to keep your loved one’s story confidential, but you can safely talk about your reaction to the trauma your friend has experienced. If you need to talk, you can call the DOVES Program to speak with an advocate.
You aren't alone. We understand your desire to support your loved one, and we want to make sure that you take care of yourself too.