How do you help someone who is dealing with sexual, domestic, or dating violence, stalking or human trafficking?

What can you say or do to help?

 

First, thank you for caring enough to seek out answers. 

 

For many people, the thought of talking with a survivor is scary. Why? Perhaps you don’t know what to say. Maybe you are worried that you’ll say or do the wrong thing and will end up traumatizing the victim even more. Try to keep in mind three simple words when you’re talking with your loved one. Ask. Listen. Believe.

Ask. Listen. Believe.

 

• Ask

  • If someone tells you they were just assaulted, you can ask, “Are you somewhere safe?” or “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” Their safety is the most important thing. They may be scared or confused, so stay calm and help them make their own choices. If it’s a life-threatening situation, call 911—but don’t put yourself in danger. If the attacker might still be nearby and you’re worried, call the police.

  • If they’re talking about something that happened a while ago—last week, last month, last year—you can say, “I’m so sorry that happened to you. How can I help?” They might want to talk or just need someone to sit with them. Try not to push for details. Let them share what they’re ready to share.

  • It’s okay to be honest about your boundaries. Maybe you’ve been through something similar or just don’t feel comfortable hearing everything. You can say, “I can’t hear all the details, but I can help you figure out what to do next.” Then give them our number. The DOVES Program has trained advocates available 24/7 at 866-95-DOVES or by text at 515-599-6620.

• Listen

  • ​Once the victim starts to talk, listen. Sometimes it’s hard not to interject with questions like, “Why would you go over to their place in the middle of the night?” or “Why were you drinking?” or "Why would you stay with someone who hurts you?" These questions aren’t helpful, and they can sound like accusations to the victim.

  • The best thing to do is listen. Express the victim’s story in your own words and ask for clarification if you don’t understand something the victim has shared. Showing that you’re listening helps the victim trust that they are telling their story to the right person.

• Believe

  • ​You might be the first person the victim talks to after an assault or violent episode. If they think you don’t believe them or doubt their story, they may never talk about it again.

  • If you start by believing, you give the victim the message that it’s okay for them to tell their story. Believing them and allowing them to tell you what happened without fear of disbelief or scorn helps a victim start to heal.

 

It’s not your fault  

 

Victims often blame themselves for what happened. “Why did I drink last night?” “Why did I go home with them?” “Why didn’t I fight back?” "Why didn't I leave?" "Why did I stay?" "Why didn't I call the police?" Sometimes these fears keep the victim from reporting what happened because they feel that if they blame themselves, surely others will too. Let the victim know that it’s not their fault.

 

Keep in mind that most victims know the person who assaults them. This can cause a lot of confusion, hurt, and anger. Remember that you are there to support the victim. It isn’t helpful for you to express your anger at the rapist, abuser, stalker, or trafficker.

 

The perpetrator, in most cases, is also the victim’s spouse, partner, friend, coworker, or acquaintance, and probably someone the victim cares for. Focus your concern and anger on the act, not the perpetrator. This was,y you won’t damage your relationship with the victim, and you won’t run the risk of making the victim feel defensive or protective of their attacker.

 

Safety planning  

 

It may be reassuring to the victim if you discuss issues of safety with them. “How can you keep yourself safe? How can I help?” These questions can guide the conversation so that the victim is the one who creates the safety plan. Allowing them to tell you how you can help them stay safe is empowering for the victim. They may feel that they lost a lot of personal power when they were assaulted, and this is a way you can help give some of that power back.

 

Resources  

 

Every victim’s reaction to an assault is different; however, they may find it helpful to learn more about sexual, domestic, or dating violence, stalking or human trafficking ,and some common reactions victims experience during and after the abuse or assault. You can direct them to our website to learn more about these topics. You can also provide them with our information.

 

At the DOVES Program, advocates are available by phone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at 866-95-DOVES, or by text at 515-599-6620. You are also welcome to call if you need support and guidance. We have resources and information that may help you and the victim.

 

Taking care of yourself  

 

Listening to someone recount a violent act can cause similar symptoms of fear, dismay, anger, etc, in the listener. It’s important to respect your boundaries and care for yourself. You won’t do your loved one any good if you’re a nervous wreck. You won’t be able to give them the calm, loving support and guidance they may need. It’s better to give yourself a break and acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling. 

 

If you are feeling as victimized as your loved one, seek out someone to whom you can talk. Of course, you want to keep your loved one’s story confidential, but you can safely talk about your reaction to the trauma your friend has experienced. If you need to talk, you can call the DOVES Program to speak with an advocate.

 

Don’t feel like you're alone. We understand your desire to support your loved one, and we want to make sure that you take care of yourself too.